Moving Stagnant Energy
Sitting in my stillness is a kind of peace different than anything I've ever known, and for a while, it was comfortable. Even when the silence was loud, I was calm. I was listening to my body, being more present, and allowing myself rest. I had been working so hard this year, giving all my projects and everyone around me every ounce of my energy and time, and I knew I deserved a break. I was never one for balance; I always allowed my work to consume me. And every single time, I bit off more than I could chew, and I allowed it to continue because being busy was better than being bored, and moving too fast felt less scary than not moving at all. And every time, I would reach a point of exhaustion. My mind and body were tired, I didn't feel like me, and I felt like my inner resources were depleted. So I gave myself a break and allowed my body to rest. I don't know if it was because the feeling felt so foreign or if the silence was unsettling, but I soon felt like I was stuck. Everything was moving except for me. This feeling of stillness turned into stagnation, and it happened so quickly that I could barely tell the difference. Physically, they felt the same. Mentally, it hurt to think about. I wanted to feel present, to feel still, not stuck. I wanted to feel comfortable and rested, not nothing at all. I wanted a sense of clarity, and instead, I lost my drive.
For a minute there, I lost myself. Inner mental tantrums, anxiety, fueling my exhaustion, and denying myself of joy, peace, movement. I convinced myself that if I pushed myself harder, kept busy, let all the distractions in my life consume me, maybe I would feel better. I didn't want to feel paralyzed anymore; I wanted my flow back. So the cycle continued. Work more, push yourself harder, grind, forget about rest don't be weak. I was lying to myself. I wasn't better; I was exhausted. Where was the balance? The peace that I had felt? Where had it all gone? I wanted to feel like me again, and I wanted the heaviness to dissipate. I learned the hard way that stillness does not mean that you are stuck, and I also learned that just because you're moving doesn't mean you're going anywhere.
Instead of allowing that feeling of stagnation and frustration to devour my existence, I realized that I needed to rediscover that stillness. I realized that although sometimes it looks the same and feels the same, it's not. I am not stagnant. I am not stuck. I am still. It is this very stillness where our purpose feels clear, and our true nature is revealed. Instead of busying myself to avoid the stillness, I learned I need to embrace it and honor that feeling. I will continue to remind myself that I am exactly where I need to be, and everything is in perfect flow. I will not force creativity or movement into my life but instead, learn to move the stagnant energy to make room for something more exciting.
With every step I take to work towards a more balanced mindset, I am reminded to do what makes me feel good. This means letting go of resentment, tapping into newfound joys, and paying attention to what energy I release and what I allow in. I feel refocused, centered, and present. Find comfort in the stillness, joy in the movement, and strength in the discomfort. Everything around us is continuously changing, and so are we. So make room for stillness and watch how you slowly awaken your mind and body.